Tag: mindset

Stability

Recently, I was accused of being a “live-in-the-moment” kind of person. I’m saying accused because in that particular conversation it wasn’t said as a compliment. Or at least that’s not how I saw it.

What matters is, it got me thinking.

First of all, I don’t view myself as that kind of person. I would love to be one, though. I would love to anchor myself to here-and-now, to be fully present in the current moment. Instead, I find myself constantly waiting and chasing. Worrying about the future. Regretting or missing different parts of the past. Always looking forward to something. Always impatient for something. “Can’t wait until” slips from my lips way too often.

As I tried to analyze why I’m like that, I realized that partially (mostly?) it’s based on rarely having any stability in my life.

I was a kid when a country I was born in collapsed. I witnessed a whole empire crumble around me. Not from the news on TV. Not from the stories retold by others. No, I was there, inside it. Everything I knew, everything I was used to—it all changed pretty much in an instant. 

Most of the nineties in my part of the world (my teenage years and young adulthood) was pretty much spent in survival mode. It taught me a lot. It made me strong and resilient. But it took its toll. The concept of stability had become alien to me. 

Or maybe it started much earlier, when I was a little girl and found out that my father wasn’t a part of a scientific expedition in a faraway land as I had believed. And that he was never coming home. Because he didn’t have any interest or intention to. Because he was living happily with his family in the same city as me and didn’t really care if I existed.

Maybe it was then that I started subconsciously waiting for better, happier times. 

Because, as we know, hope dies last.

My first big loss was my grandfather who was like a dad to me. Strong, active, and full of life. He fell and broke his leg, and then he was gone within a month. All of a sudden, everything in his body crumbled like so many things tend to do in my life.

Then there were ten years of marriage. I loved him with all my heart. We built a house together and had a son. We even moved to a different country together. Throughout most of those years he was struggling with addiction. And I kept trying to save him. Needless to say, stability doesn’t belong in a scenario like that.

He lost the battle. Taking his life at 35, leaving behind a 10-year-old son, and shattering my whole world once again.

Years of living in immigration as a single mother didn’t contribute to feeling secure. The mythical concept of stability kept slipping away from me.

So no wonder I struggled to find comfort and security and to be able to look into the future without fear. 

Maybe this “can’t wait until” is rooted in the never dying glimmer of hope. I wish I could let go of the fear and doubt. To stop worrying about everything and just live happily in the moment. Such conflicted feelings — fearing the future subconsciously yet craving a better tomorrow and always trying to rush the time to see if that bright future is indeed around the corner. 

So yes, I have to admit, becoming a “live-in-the-moment” kind of person is not a reality for me now, but most definitely an aspiration.

Small Big Talk

Let’s talk about the weather

Let’s talk about the smell of coffee teasing your nostrils in the morning

Or the first sun rays sneaking through the curtains to tickle your eyelashes

Let’s talk about goosebumps after listening to your favorite song

every

single

time

Or that book that kept you up all night and you wish you could forget it all so you could read it again

Let’s talk about the sun diving into the sea in the evening and holding its breath for the whole night

And the birds singing in the branches

Celebrating each day

Reminding us all how precious life is

If only we knew their language

Let’s talk about how a cat’s purr

Works better than medicine

And a dog’s wagging tail is a declaration of loyalty

About how your kid’s little hand feels in yours

And their laughter is better than any music ever written

Let’s not talk about the news

Please, leave the politics aside

Let’s not discuss the ever-growing prices and the broken education system

The feeling of impending doom is contagious

Let’s talk about life

Talk about love

A small big talk

To suture our wounded hearts

A Little Bit Better

Maybe I’ll buy myself a pair of yellow boots and a purple hat

Carry a bouquet of daffodils everywhere I go

Smile at strangers and wave at their dogs

Talk to stray cats, sparrows, and trees

Maybe I’ll wear long black dresses and carry a small notebook

Writing a poem on each bench I find

Then ripping out the ink-covered pages and hiding them in rose bushes

Or leaving it for the wind to decide who needs to read those words

Maybe I’ll put on jeans and a hoodie

Wear hiking boots and stock my backpack

Lose my phone and head into the wilderness

To listen to silence

To hide and escape

To find myself

Or maybe I’ll buy boxes of chocolates and dozens of roses

Get a pair of pink sunglasses

And go out on a rainy day

Treating strangers to a flower, a sweet, and a smile

Or maybe I’ll do none of that

I’ll write a silly poem instead

Imagining how I could make this world a little bit better

Kinder

Brighter

At least for a day

What a Funny Time

I’m watching my little son as he sleeps. Marveling at this miracle we’ve created. Trying to wrap my head around how perfect he is. And how this perfect human being came from inside me.

It’s such a strange season of my life. My youngest turns 5 next month. And no matter how cliche it sounds, these years just flew by in the blink of an eye. They really did. There was a lot that happened in these five years, of course. There was a whole pandemic that turned the world upside down. There was a start of my writing career that turned my life upside down. There were struggles, adventures, learning curves, moments of joy. Tears and laughter, hellos and goodbyes. Everything you could imagine. And yet, I look at this little angel (aren’t they all angels when they sleep?) and wonder—when did this happen?

I’m about to book a one-way flight to another country for my eldest son. He’s 18. He’s got a life of his own and rarely finds time for me. And he’s getting ready to embark on a journey of a lifetime, going abroad to study.

For a year, to start with.

Although he’s planning to stay longer. Okay, in fact, he’s not planning to return.

Which is a good thing, of course. We can never truly go back, we can only move forward. Besides, every journey, every smallest trip we take always cause irrevocable change inside us. You just can’t come back as the same person.

I know it. And I love it.

When it comes to my journeys.

But as I plan for my young adult’s departure, I realize that those eighteen years also flashed by. My little baby is not a baby anymore. And I have no idea how it happened.

Years.

Decades.

I’ve been building my life.

And a life for my kids.

Rebuilding it.

Sometimes from scratch.

Making decisions.

Going places.

Changing directions.

Countries, cities, homes, identities.

Am I even me anymore?

Who was me, anyway, and does it even matter, if I’m not her?

Who am I now, and who will I be next year?

I’m just someone who finds herself in a funny time.

Turned 45.

Published my 4th book.

Got my 1st tattoo.

Celebrated my mom’s 80th birthday.

Choosing a cake for my son’s 5th birthday.

Hoping my other son can come home for his Christmas break to celebrate his 19th.

Numbers.

They don’t define anything, yet they carry so much weight. We always rely on numbers, don’t we? They scare us but also ground us at the same time. As if they’re something we can desperately hold onto in this whirlwind of a life.

Except we can’t. Because numbers tend to change. They never stay the same. Because this is how time works.

Funny, crazy, weird time.

Good deeds, cherry tomatoes, and the power of perspective

An old lady in the street was selling cherry tomatoes and figs from her own garden. They looked nice, and I decided to get some. Besides, I figured it would be a good deed since she had to sit there in the August heat on a tiny, uncomfortable chair.

I ended up paying much more than I would had I bought them at the marketplace or on a supermarket. Not sure if she did it on purpose. I suspect she did, because she kept telling me different prices and didn’t even weigh the fruit like she did for the previous customer. So I left with a bit of an unpleasant feeling. Like when you want to do something good but people take advantage of you.

But then I sat on a bench, while waiting for my son’s daycare to finish, took out a fresh fig from the bag and just ate it right there and then. It was delicious.

And I thought to myself, it doesn’t really matter, does it? The fact that I overpaid. The fact that she shortchanged me. What matters is I had the right intention, and the result was worth it too.

So instead of spending the rest of my day feeling hard done by and reminding myself that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I figured I’d just enjoy the taste of a fresh fig.

And as soon as I took that decision, my day got a whole lot better.

Wake Up

Wake up

The world’s gone mad

It’s time to run

Pack light

There’s not much time

Take the essentials

Throw in some love and faith

And strength, you’ll need it

And an open mind

Some inner peace

Will do you good

Might even save your life

Forget convictions

They’re a luxury

Pack some common sense

There’s a shortage nowadays

Add loyalty and integrity

You’ll need the courage

And a bit of recklessness

And hope

Don’t forget hope

Embracing Change

I have a love-hate relationship with change. 

I think many people do. 

It’s so strange. One would think that change is such an inevitable part of life–pretty much the material life itself is made of–that we should be used to it and take it as something absolutely natural. Yet we keep resisting. We keep letting it throw us off track.

Everything in this world is about change. Morning changes to daytime, and then to nighttime. Days of the week change. Months. Seasons. 

Our bodies change. Our minds. Our feelings. Our habits. Sometimes, it happens slowly and gradually, and sometimes we feel like we blinked and the world turned upside down. 

There are changes we look forward to, and changes we fear. Even though we realize time never stands still, we find ourselves caught off guard looking in the mirror and noticing the first wrinkles, or stray gray hairs.

And then your favorite coffee shop closes down, and a new place opens instead. Another change that causes discomfort. You can live with that, of course, but you keep looking back and thinking how different your life used to be with or without those seemingly insignificant things. 

My generation has witnessed probably the most drastic change ever. Personally, I come from a place that was very different from the rest of the world, so it hit me even harder. I was born and raised in a country that doesn’t exist anymore, so I witnessed a whole world collapse before my eyes before I was even a teen.

Things kept changing at lightning speed. Later on, I moved to a different country. Learned a new language. My family fell apart. Fast forward a few years–I built a new family. 

I’ve lost people I loved. I’ve made new friends and learned new skills. Fell in love again, and brought a new life into this world.

I should be immune to change by now. 

But I’m not. 

This year brings a whole lot of change into my life. While my youngest son starts daycare, my eldest graduates from high school, learns to drive, and plans to leave in a few months to study abroad. I’m equally excited and terrified. 

Over the years, I’ve learned to adapt and adjust to pretty much anything. If I was to pack up tomorrow and move to another place–house, city, country, continent–I know I’m capable of doing that. I’ll manage. 

Will it be easy? Absolutely not. 

A few years ago, writing books was a dream of mine. A life-long dream. Something that never changed over all those years in the crazy whirlwind of my life. 

Today, I have several books published–in a foreign language–and I keep being hard on myself for not writing and publishing more. I’m always impatient. Always eager to do more, learn more, achieve more. 

And at the same time, I’m afraid of change. If I’m fully honest with myself, more often than I’d like to, I want to freeze the time. I want to press pause. Especially when it comes to thinking of the day (just a few months away) when my son gets on a plane and heads towards his new life.

How is it even possible, I wonder? To look forward to change, to growth and development, at the same time wanting to hide in a corner–in a cozy comfort zone–and being anxious about what tomorrow brings?

My little son plays a game and gets frustrated when he can’t get it right. I tell him, “It’s okay. You’re learning. That’s the whole point of it. That’s the fun part. If everything was easy, it would be boring.”


And at the same time, I think–how often do we as adults realize that? Can we even imagine what life would be like if nothing was ever changing? If we were stuck in a moment, like a mosquito trapped forever in a piece of amber?

In the third book of my trilogy, my main character ends up in a world where there’s always sunset. It’s a beautiful, idyllic little place. But after a while, she finds herself depressed, hating sunsets, and keeping the curtains closed because she doesn’t want to look out the window anymore. 

Would I want to be in her place, I ask myself? Most certainly not. 

As painful and uncomfortable as it is, change is something that fuels this life. Change is, at the end of the day, the only thing that makes sense. 

The question is, how do we make peace with it?

Childhood fears

When I was little, 

there were two things 

that would keep me up at night

and have me in tears.

First was the infiniteness of space, 

and the other was the inevitability of death.

I live in a city, I thought. 

The city is within a country.

The country is within a continent,

The continent within a planet.

The planet is in space.

Now, what is space within?

Where does it end? 

And what’s beyond the border?

Enough to drive a five-year-old crazy.

I’m forty-five and I still don’t understand.

Death terrified me. Not the process,

not even the fact itself. 

Rather, what happens after.

I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.

Here I am, I thought, 

Lying here and thinking these thoughts 

and feeling these feelings. 

But when I die, what happens then?

Who’s going to think and feel these things? 

Where will I go? 

I can’t just disappear now, can I?

I can’t just stop being. 

That would be wrong. Too cruel. 

Impossible and illogical 

Just like the infinite space.

Forty years later, 

I’m not afraid of death as such.

I definitely don’t look forward to it. 

I hope I have plenty of time to enjoy this crazy life.

But when the day comes,

I know I won’t just disappear.

Space still baffles me.

Snacks for the Soul: 100 Friendly Reminders for Daily Growth and Personal Empowerment

Sometimes, we need to be reminded of things. Things that might seem obvious at first but we still tend to lose sight of them.

Wrapped up in our struggles, worries, and doubts, we forget the seemingly simple things that are, in fact, essential. 

Important reminders can come from anywhere. Learning about someone else’s experience, facing a certain obstacle in our own life, or hearing advice from a friend. It’s up to us what we do with these little lessons. We can take some time to ponder their meaning and importance, or we can gloss over them and move on with our lives–only to be reminded of those things later in a different scenario. Because the Universe never gets tired of teaching us lessons.

One thing I noticed long ago was that I possess much more ‘wisdom’ when I give advice to someone. Listening to a friend and giving my input opens my eyes to things that I have been doing wrong myself. When I feel the need to help someone I find myself knowing and understanding things I forget when I face similar struggles of my own. That’s one of the reasons why open and honest communication and sharing your feelings and emotions with someone close can be highly beneficial–even life-changing. 

And sometimes, the advice I gave to a friend comes back to me when I need it the most. Moments like that are precious. Again, the Universe works in intricate ways. 

My upcoming release, Snacks for the Soul, a book of 100 friendly reminders for daily growth and personal empowerment, is a collection of bite-size reminders that can serve as your daily guide to living a more fulfilled and joyous life. It can be your companion for those moments when you need a gentle nudge towards the light. For moments when you’re looking for inspiration, comfort, or a reminder of your inner strength.

Most of the reminders I’m sharing in this little book–in fact, all of them–are reminders I need to hear myself from time to time. It doesn’t matter how many times you hear them. What matters is the moment when they really make an impact. The moment when you are ready to connect with them, embrace them, and take action. 

So I figured that if they’re all compiled together in a short and simple-to-digest form, they will have the strongest effect. You can read it over and over. You can make notes and mark those pages that resonate the most with bookmarks/napkins/old receipts/colorful post-it-notes. You can write down your own thoughts on the pages. You can read it from the first page to the last, or just open the book on a random page when you feel like it. 

And of course, you can share it with friends and loved ones. Because when we share–when we genuinely try to help someone–we learn our own lessons. I know it works for me. Give it a try. I’m sure it’ll work for you too.

A Letter You Should Write To Yourself

Hey, you.

How have you been?

Honestly?

I know you’re probably putting up a facade. You’re strong. Of course you are. Never doubted it for a second.

But how are you doing, really?

Have you been hard on yourself again? Have you been keeping track of all your failures instead of your achievements?

Are all those unticked boxes on your to-do list keeping you up at night?

Are you still letting people’s emotions and moods get to you?

I know. Me too. 

But guess what — it’s okay. You’re not alone in this. Don’t be fooled by glamorous images. This is the raw, unaltered, behind-the-scenes reality.

What matters is, though—things can change. No, let me rephrase it. YOU can change things. You can change YOU. 

There’s only one caveat. Change needs to bring you happiness. 

You think it sounds selfish?

Not really.

Think about this: happy people don’t go around hurting other people. They’re too busy being happy. And it’s not part of their nature anyway.

When you’re genuinely happy, all you’re focused on is keeping up that vibe. Increasing the level of happiness—both IN you and AROUND you.

Everything that disrupts that vibration needs to go. So instead of bringing someone down, you’ll naturally be inclined to lift them up. 

Which means that you being happy contributes to the overall level of happiness around you—and therefore, in the world in general. 

Not all that egotistical if you think about it, right?

But the best part is, you don’t have to burden yourself with saving the world. 

You can just save yourself first.

So back to my first question—how are you? Really? Are you happy? Fulfilled? Enjoying where you are, what you are, who you are?

What’s lacking? What’s missing? What can you do to change it?

Think about it. Give yourself a generous gift of your precious time and undivided attention. Focus on you. No one else can do this for you. Nor should they. 

It’s your life. Your choices. Your responsibility—but also, your freedom. 

Go be happy. 

Much love.